What I like, sexually 2006-10-13, ed. 2015-07-21

Sexual orientation

I'm bisexual. About 50-50, in the overall sweep. skoliosexual. Always have been inasmuch as I was sexual at all (I was fairly asexual until late high school).

Lately that's been shifting a lot more towards the "wanting a guy" end of things. Near as I can tell this is primarily a matter of experience - almost all of mine to date has been with girls, and, well, I'd like to balance that out. But I'm very definitely neither gay nor het, and very definitely not "confused" about it or any of that other bullshit thankyouverymuch.

I don't identify at all with the quote-unquote "gay community" (I find the idea somewhat ridiculous actually - WTF does who I want to sleep with have to do with anything?) and find most gay stereotypes to be rather offputting. I especially do not identify with the over-the-top "gay pride" bullshit which somehow tries to coopt "gay" to mean "promiscuous queen/bear/twink poppers-using fetishist" and actually find it rather offensive. (Now don't get me wrong - I don't mind that they have their random freaky fetishes. Half my friends do and I think no less of them for it nor treat them in any way worse [if anything I tend to be curious & supportive]. But this is a case of "your kink is okay.... waaaaaaaaaaaaay the fuck away from my identity".)

I'm just me; that's plenty enough oddness already I think. :-) The only thing my sexuality tells you is that I happen to like both guys and girls and tend to treat people equally regardless of gender. Please do not extrapolate it to mean anything else whatsoever.

The one (and only) thing I will explicitly say that it does relate to is this: gender is not something that majorly affects my interactions with others (that I know of), and this seems to be a significant difference from the norm. I don't do power games (out of bed :-P) or bullshit seduction or posturing w/ rivals or all the rest. I treat people as equals and I am only really attracted to equals.

Gender orientation

I'm male and quite comfortable with that. (No, bisexuality doesn't mean that I'm somehow 'feminine'.) I have absolutely no desire to be female; I like having a reproductive system that doesn't try to beat me up every month and isn't a hassle to take care of.

Even so, I'm kinda androgynous overall. I think it's mainly that I don't really conceive of myself as "MALE!" (or macho or whatever) and thus it doesn't significantly guide my choices and preferences. I suppose many are still traditionally-male-ish (e.g. I vastly prefer muted earth tones to anything more garish), but some are definitely not (e.g. I sometimes wear a sarong 'cause I feel like it - omfg a "skirt"!) and others are more borderline (er... damn near everything really).

My gender preference tends towards the same: I am usually attracted to people who aren't very strongly any particular gender stereotype. People who are tend to put me off a bit; whether or not it's really so, it's like they are trying to "live up to the role" and thus get away from what they are more sincerely like - and for that matter, get away from a more balanced / nuanced personality. (E.g. overall, macho males have a fucked up emotional life; feminine females have serious power issues. Er, not that I'm overgeneralizing or anything here...)

Relationship orientation

As I currently conceive of it, my ideal relationship structure would be something along the lines of long-term semi-closed polyfidelity - a balanced-gender quad would be nice. I am somewhat less comfortable with more open arrangements, but that could work too so long as everyone involved are mutually friends. (I'm really not comfortable with my partners dating someone I don't get along with / trust.) Having sexual friendships is also potentially a good thing, but it'd have to be a friendship and not just fuckbuddies (I think...).

However, I'd be amenable to a monogamous relationship also; AFAIK I don't have any particular need for poly.

And no, the reasons don't really have to do with sex. More pragmatic things (e.g. having a parent or two at home at all times would be great for raising kids), and availability (hopefully at least someone is there when I want to talk or cuddle or go out; also, more likely to have more of my interests shared by at least one person).


Kink really doesn't seem to do anything for me. I think I lack some sort of basic psychological underpinning that is present in people who are into fetishes. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with 'em - some of my best friends are fetishists (and how!). But... it seems that the majority of fetishes are based very heavily on a sort of associational link being formed, where it's sexy because it is linked to something else. Or where the idea of it is sexy in itself (e.g. bondage, paraphilias). I just don't seem to work that way.

Also, I don't like pain.

That and the above exclude most fetishes, although not all; the rest are ones I haven't tried yet so can't comment on. (E.g. it still leaves open more purely psychological / nonfetishized D/s; various "sensation-play"; etc.)

How I react to fetishes when I do see them is generally somewhere in the range of total neutrality, moderate curious-interest ("hey look they're doing something and appear to be having fun"), strong psychological interest (what's it like to like it?), or mild to strong distaste ("your kink is OK..... but waaaaay over there please" [this for things like, e.g., coprophilia / urolagnia, heavy S&M, etc]). But that's about the gamut.

Similarly, I don't really sexualize bodies. Sure, bodies are neat to look at, but that's purely aesthetic... no more sexual than, say, some pretty flowers or a well-made sword (and yes, I know the Freudian imagery here; hush). On this point I think I'm farther outside normal, especially for males, in that e.g. boobs by themselves do nothing for me. Nor does any other piece of anatomy. It's just... sterile.

What I do react to is how people move and carry themselves, and occasionally to particular kinds of raw stimulation. Basically, my empathy has to be able to kick in before I can find it attractive. In fact, that's a very large part (the largest?) of what I enjoy in actual sex, so this makes sense. For the same reason I'm not really cut out to have 'sport sex' or the like; what's the point of having sex if it's not going to be really intimate (i.e. emotionally / energetically / etc, not just the physical OMG we're nude together)? Sure I could, but without the rest it's not all that much more fun than, say, a good wrestle or a hike or a game of Scrabble (and tends to be more complex to arrange so's everything is safe and sane).

On the other hand, I also much prefer people who are in good shape physically (not obese, not underweight; good muscle tone; etc), so I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a factor. I think it's more of a subtle factor though. And honestly, I haven't entirely sorted out how this works for me yet.

(Incidentally, lesbians also don't do anything for me either. For similar reasons I think - there's nothing for me to empathize with, so I get no particular reaction at all except "hmm, interesting" (of the same sort as I would for, say, a display of circus acrobatics).)

However (!), I do react very strongly to things that are physically, emotionally, and/or energetically sensual. This isn't necessarily sexual at all in itself, but crosses over with a lot more ease if that's mutually desired. E.g. I love getting skritched (by the right people / right situation), have been known to have near-orgasms over really good peaches and/or chocolate, will purr for massage and cuddles, etc. This applies to more vanilla-sexual stimulation too, happily; I tend to react very strongly if I react at all. I think it's because I've trained myself to do so; hedonism is an acquired skill.