Phoenix's death 2002-03-20

Sailing on a distant sea,
a sudden wave approaches me;
at first the tremors, the tingly spine,
and memories of a long-past time.

Onward still, and balance fades,
and cast upon the tumbling waves
I cry out for aid, but finding none,
must wait in pain as I come undone.

So yet again, that draining choice:
ignore the pain, let inner voice
guide down stone and wooden steps
to the place in mind where silence rests.

Down I stroll, down grassy hill,
to the lake where I oft drank my fill,
but now its glossy surface stirs,
and all around the sanctum blurs.

Another wave, and nothing's left
but searing heat of mindless depth;
a freezing void without an end;
an agony without mercy rends.

Abandon hope, abandon peace;
surrender to the pain's release:
no strength yet left to impose the will,
adrift with acid ether filled.

How long, this thing I cannot say;
when my forever is another's day:
too long by far, yet such would be
had it but lasted some seconds three.

At last, I wake to eerie calm;
no longer sad, unhealed by balm,
scared once more by things unheard,
a horror even beyond these words.

Survivor? Yes, for such am I
that fatal blows straight through do fly.
What harm can such mere figments do
compared to that which I once knew?

Yet often still as I sit alone
I wish my past I could atone:
collapse in peace, and die again,
to live in full, beyond the world of men.

Calm I am, but not content;
I wish to be as I was meant:
an empath, transcend, genius too,
dreaming Zen while I speak with you.

But not just yet; I still must mend
this scarring deep, these feelings penned.
Perhaps, one day, there'll come a time
to rise from ash: in glory shine.